CalebNeo the clueless dude
by CalebNeo
Summary: I experience the wackiest of things in some foreign lands. (by the way future ones are going to be original ideas)
1. Chapter 1

Prologue:

I know what you're thinking right now. Some geek with glasses is going to be one of the 'awesome' characters now. Not so. I'm going to be myself, in principal.

**16 June**

My parents were on a camping trip to some remote part of a place called USA. It encompasses like one fourth of the world. My parents were very excited. I was not. I hate hate hated camping! I hated the outdoors! I hated excercising!

My parents were looking at it in a different way though.

"You'll like it! Far away from the hustle and bustle of city life, not a care in the world!"

How amusing it sounded right now. I can almost chortle with laughter waiting to burst out of me.

Fine. The story starts like this. We had been camping for a week in the plains, but not a shoot of grass was growing there. I was revolted by the stench of dead insect bodies. The wind was cold, frostbitingly so. My parents were still merrily dishing out bowls of Cambell's mushroom soup while I lay, huddled in the sleeping bag inside the tent.

"Come on out. It's such fine weather for a stroll! You can explore as much as you like!"

If digging for earthworms was their idea of fun, I was not coming along. Anyway, I had no obligation to. What a waste of my precious school holidays!

**19 June**

Significantly rattled by eerie noises in the night and nightmares, I had enough. My parents were by now upset about my attitude and decided unanimously that leaving was the best option.

"We brought you here to enjoy yourself, not for you to pout!"

"We have agreed to go home, and we'll do it right now! No more vacations for you young man!"

I was rather frustrated. It was not about the travelling, but this stinking place! Why couldn't they get that?

* * *

My parents placed their belongings into the car we borrowed from one of our relatives and set off for her house. Little did we know, a huge rainstorm would pour soon. The clouds grew dark and ominous. Lightning struck menacingly close to our car. Though yeah, I'm a male, I screamed for a split second. My parents said that was real cowardly.

A motel was far in the distance. It had a sign which read "Katz Motel No Vacancy" in capitals. I said, "Who calls themselves by _that_ sort of name? I mean only perv- "

"Don't say that word!"

"It's rude!"

I shrugged my shoulders. I mean, who ever heard of people by that name?

My parents parked the car a distance from the motel and we brought out our umbrellas. I had one which was orange with some random logo on it. The rain intensified and we opened the umbrellas. After walking for what seemed an eternity, we finally reached the motel.

The motel was shabby and rundown- the sort that drug smugglers would use as a convenient hideout. I looked about the room. A single desk with a bell on it was situated in the centre of the room. A door was labelled "Private". A sign above read "No dogs allowed". I found this to be highly amusing. Katz hate dogs.

Seeing no one about, my father slammed his fist down on the bell. Suddenely, a red **CAT **appeared from behind the counter.

"I'm Katz. Do you want to check in?"

I was about to say "No" when my father butted in and exclaimed, "Of course! What's our room number?"

"No. 666 1/2"

My father took a pair of keys from the cat and did not look in the least surprised.

"How on earth? That was a cat!"

"There are odder things here than you can possibly imagine! I've lived longer than you, so I have _experience_."

I rolled my eyes. Even if he did, he never used any of it.

We had to walk for a bothersome length of time. Man, I swear, the motel looked smaller on the outside. We finally arrived at the room. My father took out his phone and started watching Youtube videos on them. I always wondered what he watched when no one was around.

My mother went to take a bath.

"Exquisite spice fragrance in the soap? What a steal!"

I went to another bathroom to brush my teeth.

I was in the midst of brushing, when I heard a funny song. It sounded like some kind of song that Katz had been listening to. Katz?! I turned around to see a pair of yellow eyes blink at me and then the panel where the toilet roll was slid back. That **** was trying to peek, huh? I suddenly wasn't so eager to ease myself.

I came to the sudden realisation that Katz could be looking at my mother right now! Even worse, he might be viewing what my father was watching right now! I ran to ask my dad for help. I was going to pound Katz's lewd head in!

I arrived to find that my father was gone. I could only see his phone resting on the ground next to a suspicious patch of carpet. I grabbed the phone up. Prehaps it could provide clues to his whereabouts. I looked at the content and instantly smashed it to smithereens with the sole of my shoe.

* * *

I rushed down the corridor and reached the counter in a jiffy. I found Katz to be checking on his "Private" room. A huge web in the centre of the room had a ginormous man-eating spider sitting on it. The web was surrounded by skeletons. The beast had my pop!

I raised a chair high over my head and sent it crashing down on Kat's head. Instantaneously knocked out, I rushed inside, but couldn't free my father from the web. It was much too sticky! I took a mop and bucket from a janitor's closet and filled up the pail with water. I mopped the web away and yanked by father by his shirt and brought him out of the room. He took a while to recover from falling down.

"Uhhrrgh... " he moaned while recovering.

I turned to see Katz give me a facepunch.

**WHAM!**

I was knocked into the wall by the blow. Dazed, I wobbled to my feet and grabbed a chair to stable myself. Katz slowly sauntered over and I recovered, wiping blood from my face.

"Whoops!" he sneered.

His own head was swelling from the blow I gave him. I guessed we were equal then.

"A little sport before dying, dear boy?"

"Like what? Cycling?"

"Oh not that, how about Racketball?"

"What's that?"

He produced a pair of rackets and a ball. I took one and he served the ball. I fail at sports, so I instantly missed.

"I'm sorry, you lose."

He tried to attack me offguard, but I had anticipated this. I leapt up and brought the racket down which such force that he dropped his racket. I then kicked him in the **** so hard that he blacked out. Just for good measure, I tied him up with string and called the police. He was a goner now!

* * *

While my mother came out in search of us, the police arrived and one recorded my statements while Katz was led into the police van. My father finally recovered from his slumber and awoke to see me hefting a racket while answering the police.

"What happened?"

"I'll tell you later."

My mother arrived and asked me what I was doing. I had so much to talk about now, and finally everyone was willing to listen.

While sitting in the car, I recounted my amazingly censored feat. My impressed and equally disgusted parents listened. I sat in the car seat. Oh how sleepy I was... If I could just lie down and sleep...

-Fine-


	2. Chapter 2

Prologue:

A year hath fruitlessly past, and a villain comes once again, but in my own country.

**12 April**

We, as in my father and I, had just gone to Macdonald's and gotten a take-away. For some reason, my father wanted to go out as

air-conditioning was bad or something following that direction. Anyway, we went to the park and sat on a stone park bench.

"Oh Caleb, isn't it grand to eat burgers?"

I vehemently objected.

"Isn't this the life? Om nom nom... Not a care in the world!"

To this I strongly agreed while munching on my burger and downing coke.

I suddenely heard a noise. Swivelling my head, I say a bushy tail behind a trash can. A frightningly large one which belongs to foxes.

"Hmm... Now that's what a call a well-rounded fat daddy."

I was surprised. Were there now anthromorphic blokes in Singapore too? And looking at my father, I concluded that the inference was testifiable.

"Caleb! Are you going to spend all afternoon staring at that bin?"

"No, Look, there's a fox behind there! And what bin*?" *incorrect definition

My father, the embodiment of slobbishness, fell instantly asleep after having his fill.

"Now where did that fox go?", I wondered.

"Hey man, how you doin'?"

I almost had a heart attack.

"What the **** did you do that for?"

Oblivious to my attempts at disgruntled conversation, he said to my snoring father, "Oh, aint' that sweet, daddy fell asleep."

"If you see him when he really sleeps, maybe you would change your idea."

Finally, he took some notice of me.

"Hate to disturb you but, I got a daddy stew to do."

In a technically impossible feat, he threw me into a bed of carnations.

"OWWWwwwww... ", I screamed. He looked at me for a second more and picked up my father. He sped away on his hind legs.

"Aiyah, why you go and step on the flowers?", a very annoying auntie asked.

I painfully got up. How on earth had that fox just carried my 70kg father? Not even glancing at the auntie, I ran after him in hot pursuit.

"Walao, not responsible."

Before running into the distance, I hollered back, "I fell on them!"

* * *

Bother, he outpaces me by a significant margin. What am going to do?

I spotted a golf course nearby. There was a large hole in the fence. Ah, now it's showtime folks!

I saw a rich dude sitting on a golf cart. Perfect! I grabbed a golf club lying nearby and charged towards the pompous pitcher yelling, "DIE!"

His Caddy tried to stop me, but missed completely when trying the grab me. The wealthy bloke almost wet his pants. He must have been scared of getting hit by someone his own size. Before I delivered a death swing, he had already leapt out of the golf cart. All according to my plans.

I turned the key in the ignition and pressed my foot on the pedal. His caddy was ignoring me, attending to the man with the money. I maneuvered the golf cart back through the hole in the gate.

* * *

After driving for quite a while at a maximum speed of 24km/h, I finally spotted the fox. He had stopped at a bus stop. Ha, buses in Singapore take an eternity to arrive! Capitalising on this fact, I parked the golf cart some distance away and sauntered causually up to the bus stop.

"Oi fox, where's my father?"

He shrugged. Incensed, I swung the golf club and whalloped him mighty hard. He gagged and rolled over in pain. My, that must have hurt!

When his mouth fell open, my father rolled out, still asleep. How the **** had he fit in there? I didn't pause to wonder. I pelted back to the golf cart only to see a gangster-like burly man take a liking to it. Well, I have to go on foot now.

I dropped the golf club and returned to my father's side. I tried to haul him unto my back, but I gave up as he was much too heavy. I whipped out my mobile phone and dialled for the police and ambulance. My father was in such a deep slumber that he must have fainted or something.

I rested him against a wall and turned his head sideways such that he wouldn't swallow his own tongue. Why couldn't he just awake? Exactly when I thought that, he came to his senses.

"Huh... Um... Bins? Oh yeah, those are bins and erm... what fox? Hold on, where am I?"

"Welcome back to reality! Let's get a move on before the fox comes around!"

He got to his feet and walked with me, constantly demanding the reason behind his sudden teleportation and "What about a fox?"

When I finally started explaining, I remembered about the police and paramedics who were arriving.

"Hold on, let's go back! It's safer this way."

At this very moment, a taxi drove up beside me and opened the door.

**WHAM!**

The accursed fox was up and running again. He hauled my father into the car before he could run (though he never will actually ever run).

"Yeouch! You # %$ idiot!"

"I truly thank ya'!"

The fox drove the taxi away. I had to think of a better idea now.

* * *

I saw the taxi stop at a traffic jam just a few meters ahead. Yes! I returned to the golf club and equipped myself with it. This jerk was going down!

I ran to Lim & Lim hardware store and smashed a display cabinet. Thankfully, there was no surveillence camera, the wall was opaque and no one was about. I grabbed a crude nail gun and loaded it's 'amunition'. After negotiating a few safety measures implemented, I aimed it at the taxi, while sprinting toward it. I shot three tyres and the taxi spun of the road, hit a tree and burst into flames.

I discarded the nailgun in a trash bin and dragged my golf club along.

I rushed into the taxi and hauled out my father, who was bound up. I took up a knife which was used for cake and cut his bonds.

"Thanks, but the taxi's going to blow!"

I dragged him far away. The fire reached the gas tank and the taxi exploded, throwing us far back.

I saw the fox's bushy tail behind a fence near the taxi. What was he trying to do now? While everyone was absorbedly observing the scene, I felt a disturbance in the force.

I looked about but found my father to be gone. I saw the fox carry him effortlessly into a building nearby. Darn fox!

I went after him.

* * *

The fox was chanting in the kitchen when I came, something about the dish of the hour. He then hefted my father over a large pot and tried to throw him in.

"Not so fast foolish fox!"

I saw my father had fallen asleep. I now loved golf! I used the golf club on him, but he just batted it aside. I could only do what any abonormal person would. I kicked him in the ass and used my father's weight to crush him into the pot.

I held my father right in place. The fox was crying to be let out.

My father awoke and said, "Mmm... that smells good! Is that fox stew?"

He put on an evil expression, "Want to drink some?"

What the **** was he thinking about? I gave a groan.

-Fine-


	3. Chapter 3

**20 April**

"Can you stop that noise? You're bothering the neighbours!", my mother said to my father.

"Not as much as that guy downstairs with his television on full blast! Anyway, do you want the light fixed or not?", my father replied.

"No, if you continue making a racket doing so!"

"I don't care what you think!"

"What do you mean by that?"

Usual family squabble. What luck.

I came out of my bedroom and found that my father was trying to rip off the lighting casing.

I commented, "Actually, you're supposed the unscrew it, not use a crowbar, and by the way, be carefu- "

My father finally succeeded in his laborious task and the metal casing fell on my mother's head.

"Whoops... Are you alright?"

My father climbed down the ladder and tried to apply Axe brand oil to her forehead though it was obviously far from being a panecea.

My mother, after lying on the sofa for a minute, got up.

"Where am I? Who are you?"

"Shucks! You have amnesia, right?"

"If you don't leave my house this instant, I'll call the police!"

"Hey! This is my house! I bought it, so you have no right to ask me to get lost! And also, you DO have amnesia."

"Get out random stranger!"

My father turned to me and shook his head.

"We'll have to call an amnesia specialist. She doesn't know who I am, and definitely not you."

"Who should we call?"

"I dunno. Someone of good reputation. Just use your computer, Google it or something."

"My computer?! Why can't you use your own?"

"Well, the story goes like this: Once, when I was carrying my computer for work, I spotted- "

"Oh fine, I'll do it then. Just don't say an old grandfather's tale."

I glanced at my mother, even more anxious as she seemed to be very fed up about something. She really must have bumped her head hard.

I stormed into my room and flipped open my laptop.

After searching for a bothersome period of time, I came unto some clinic's chat room.

"Amnesia specialists" I typed in. I then had to provide responses to some questions.

"What seems to be the problem?"

"It's my mother, she can't remember anything. Doesn't know who we are."

"Who's we?"

"My father and myself."

"This seems serious, so I shall send a specialist to come right over."

"My address is -, please come quickly."

"Yes we will."

I went downstairs to buy a different brand of ointment for my mother.

Just upon reaching the lift lobby, I saw a duck waddle in. The duck had blue dyed hair and a very fake moustace.

"How are you? My name is -"

The duck, or by then I realised, was Dr. Le Quack. He had procured a mallet the size of a barrel and tried to crush my head with it.

"You mad bro?"

I clambered down the stairs nearby. The mad doctor was following in tandem. I avoided his mallet once and it accidentally crushed the raillings nearby.

"Whoa whoa whoa! Easy man!"

"Are you the patient?"

"Nope doofus! Stop chasing me with that thing!"

"I'll help you remember!"

"Remember what? My birthday?"

The quack doctor was now tired through and through as he had been swinging that thing about for quite a while now. I on the other hand possessed longer legs and he was giving up.

He finally gave up at the third level (did I tell you my unit is at the top level?).

"So long, su***r!"

I looked up to see that he had disappeared into the house again. Oh no! He would pound my parents and neighbours to death in order to take the jewellery in the closet!

I took the lift up to the top and barged into the house. My mother was looking steadily at the television while the dumb duck rummaged through the house.

"Where do you keep le valuables?"

As if people with amnesia could remember such things.

"Where vu you keep h'yore brain da-ark? Leaving the door open... "

"Come over here, boy!"

"No chance you french fraud."

He charged at me. I ran like the wind and leapt down the stairs. He followed in quick succession.

"Look, can we make peace? You leave the house and I'll give you a hundred bucks."

The duck doctor paused midstride.

"Actually... But no, ze jewellery is worth much more than that."

He continued the chase while I had already descended another level and crept along another corridor. He continued on, oblivious to the fact that I was not in front of him.

Now's my chance! I ascended the stairs fairly quickly and reached the house. I locked, bolted and chained the door. My mother had fallen asleep just now, but was wide awake presently.

"Who are you? What do you want?"

I ignored her and barricaded the front door, then called the police.

"Operator speaking, who do you wish to speak to?"

"The police, the cops, whatever!"

"Hang on... "

Five minutes later, the operator finally decided to connect me to the police.

"Help! Help! There's a duck outside our house, and he's trying to demolish the door with a huge mallet!"

"How dreadful! What do you want from us?"

Bah! I would have to do it all on my own.

I took out a chainsaw from the cupboard and 'wound' it up.

Bvvv... Bvvv...

I yanked the door open and came face to face with the duck.

"We meet again."

"Quite right. Fancy a trim for your moustache?"

"It's fake!"

I sawed the mallet into sawdust in a few swift movements. The duck guy gawked for a while.

"(Sniff, sniff)You... you broke my best friend! Boohoo!"

He turned tail and wailed, his figure disappearing into the distance.

I found my father had gone searching for me the whole time.

"What did I miss?"

"Everything."

The next day, my family lodged a complaint about the police.

-Fine-


End file.
